Must Never Love Again
by SixSeasons
Summary: Pure, unadulterated angst. Zelgadis doesn't want to love anything ever again.


**Author's Note**

You may not want to read this - it's honestly pretty bad. I just uploaded it because I wanted it stored somewhere. : )

* * *

To say they least, they were shocked. They searched his face for some sort of reason, praying it was a joke. But he never joked, and the only reason they received was the tears in his eyes.

"Please Zel, don't leave! What are we going to do without you?" Lina grabbed at his arm, trying to force her best friend to stay. Force had always worked before!

"What will you do? Get on with your lives, I guess. You'll hunt treasure, Gourry will kill bad guys, Amelia will fight for justice and Xelloss will annoy people. I just won't be there. Trust me, in a few months you'll even forget who I was."

Amelia shook her head, trying to brush the tears out of her eyes. "I'll never forget you. And how can we continue, knowing we won't ever see you again?"

Gourry patted her head, trying to comfort her. "He's left before and we've ran into him! I'm sure it'll happen again!"

Zelgadis almost laughed. "You just don't get it, do you Gourry? I'm going away for good. You'll never see me again, I promise you that." He bit down on his lip. He would not let them see him cry. He couldn't do that to them. He cared about them too much. And that was the problem...

"Please... Zel. I know I can't convince you otherwise. You're as stubborn as I am. But, can we at least spend the day together? All of us? You said you were going to visit your family... maybe we could go with you?"

Zelgadis looked at each of them. Oh, how much they meant to him... all of them... "Fine. You might as well know why I'm leaving..."

* * *

"Where's your family, Zel? All I see is a graveyard... Oh. Zel, I'm so sorry... I didn't realize..."

Zelgadis looked sadly out over at the graves. His parents, his sisters, his brother... His fiancée... No, he couldn't let it happen again. He had to leave. "It's alright. They all died when I was twelve anyway... long time ago..."

Xelloss blinked his eyes. "All of them? A fire? A plague? A Mazoku attack, and that's why you hate me?"

"Mr. Xelloss! Don't ask such questions!"

"Well, I'm just curious..."

"I killed them actually."

The silence that filled the graveyard was almost deafening.

"You... what?"

Zelgadis rested his head on his arms. He might as well tell them everything. They would probably hate him, but that might make his leaving easier on them... "Well, when Rezo changed me, I became one third Mazoku. When you suddenly become part evil, it's very hard to control. Not that it's any excuse... No, I guess it made me go insane or something. By the time I finally had control over myself, it was too late. I had killed everyone I had ever loved." He shifted his gaze back to look at them. "That's why I have to leave you. I love you all so much, as much as my own family. I had never intended to care about any of you this much… But I can't risk that ever happening again. Don't argue with me, you have no idea how hard it still is to control that side of me." His eyes turned to directly to Xelloss. "Did you find it hard to control yourself when you became a Mazoku?" He waited for Xelloss to nod. When he did, Zelgadis continued. "But you never killed anyone you loved. And that, fruitcake, is why I hate you. Because you're so damned lucky."

"Oh... Zel..." Lina could barely make her voice work.

"Please, don't cry Lina. At least not until I'm gone. You have no idea how hard this is. But trust me, it's better this way. I'll miss you all. Good luck." And he ran. Ran until he couldn't hear their calls for him to come back any longer. Then he pulled the small flask of poison out of his pocket. "I can't risk seeing any of you again. I won't let myself hurt you..." He drained the tiny bottle, and lay on the ground, and waited for the blackness to surround him.

* * *

Epilogue: By the time the others reached him, he was too gone for even resurrection to save him. And in his attempts to never hurt them, he hurt them worse. None of them ever were able to get on with their lives. Lina went home and became a housewife, never to hunt treasure again. Gourry lay down his sword, never wanting to see anything else die. Amelia decided there was no justice in the world and became a nun, and even Xelloss had trouble smiling for the first couple decades, always wondering when his luck would run out.


End file.
